The Four Sides
Every dad has a “default gear”—the way he naturally shows up when life hits hard.
It’s the operating system running in the background, shaping how you father. These
archetypes aren’t good or bad in themselves. Each carries strength. Each carries
a shadow. The danger isn’t in having a type. The danger is when you get stuck in it,
blind to the cost. Real leadership comes when you learn to shift gears—to pull
strength from all four when the moment demands it.
The Rock (Stability)
The Rock is the anchor. You don’t move easy. When the storm hits, you’re the one
holding steady while everyone else feels like they’re sinking. You’ve got that presence
that says: “We’re going to be okay, because I’m not going anywhere.”
Your strength is consistency. Your kids know where to find you, your wife leans on you,
and your home has a solid foundation because of you. In a chaotic world, that’s rare
and powerful.
But the shadow side is silence. Rocks often mistake endurance for leadership. You
hold it together, but you lock it down. You provide, but you don’t always connect.
The people around you see the stone face and wonder what’s going on underneath—or if you even care.
How the Rock Handles It:
Your teenager comes home with a failing grade. You don’t yell, you don’t panic—you just say, “We’ll figure it out. Sit down and let’s look at the homework.” Calm. Collected. The downside? Your kid may not see the depth of your concern—they just see a wall they can’t read.
Levels of Health
Level 1: Checked out, emotionally numb. You’re there, but absent.
Level 2: Reliable, but cold. You keep the lights on but keep your heart off.
Level 3: You engage when pushed, but often default to stoic silence.
Level 4: Solid and approachable—you’re calm and open, steady but still human.
Level 5: You bring healing by presence alone. Your steadiness is infused with warmth and vulnerability.
The Flame (Energy)
The Flame is passion. You light up a room, you make life fun, you bring color where there was gray. Your kids remember the laughter, the adventures, the energy you give them. You remind your family that life is meant to be lived, not endured.
Your strength is enthusiasm. You show your kids that joy is just as important as discipline. You make ordinary days feel like memories.
But your shadow is volatility. Fire spreads. When unchecked, your passion flips into unpredictability. One day you’re the fun dad, the next day you’re explosive. You love hard, but you burn fast.
How the Flame Handles It:
Your teenager comes home with a failing grade. You might fire off: “Are you kidding me? We’ve gone over this a hundred times!” Or on a better day: “Alright, let’s turn this around. We’ll make it fun—pizza, music, and study until we nail this.” The energy is big, but the consistency isn’t always there.
Levels of Health
Level 1: Explosive and unstable. Your family walks on eggshells.
Level 2: Fun in bursts, but inconsistent and moody.
Level 3: Passionate but unregulated—you feel everything big.
Level 4: You channel energy into encouragement and joy.
Level 5: Controlled burn—steady, passionate warmth that fuels your family without scorching them.
The Forge (Discipline)
The Forge is pressure and heat—used right, it shapes strength. You believe in resilience. You don’t just want your kids to be happy; you want them to be capable, prepared, and strong. Your family knows where the line is, and you don’t blur it.
Your strength is structure. You bring order into chaos. You teach grit, responsibility, and the value of doing hard things.
But your shadow is control. You can turn into a hammer that only knows how to strike. Rules without relationship create rebellion—or worse, robotic compliance that leaves your kids hollow inside.
How the Forge Handles It:
Your teenager comes home with a failing grade. Your instinct? “This doesn’t cut it. You’re grounded until that grade comes up.” You believe the pressure will push them to rise. And it might. But if you don’t pair it with grace, the pressure crushes instead of refines.
Levels of Health
Level 1: Harsh and controlling. Everything feels like punishment.
Level 2: Fear-driven discipline. Respect comes from anxiety, not love.
Level 3: Firm standards, but grace is scarce. Heavy expectations.
Level 4: Balanced discipline. Firm but compassionate, shaping through love.
Level 5: Master craftsman. You refine your kids into resilient, capable adults without breaking them.
The Compass (Direction)
The Compass is vision. You’re the one pointing north, casting vision for the future, and giving meaning to the grind. Your kids look at you and think bigger than today. They hear the “why” behind the “what,” and it inspires them to aim higher.
Your strength is purpose. You see life in terms of direction, and you help your family understand where they’re headed.
But your shadow is distance. You can get so caught in the dream that you forget the walk. If your head’s always in the clouds, your family feels like passengers, not partners.
How the Compass Handles It:
Your teenager comes home with a failing grade. You sit them down and say: “Listen, this isn’t about a grade—it’s about your future. You’re meant for more than this. This is one step on the path, and we’ve got to recalibrate.” The vision is inspiring, but if you’re not grounded, your kid may roll their eyes and feel like you don’t get the present struggle.
Levels of Health
Level 1: Detached dreamer. Big talk, no follow-through.
Level 2: Inspirational but disconnected. Lectures without presence.
Level 3: Inspires but drifts—passion without grounding.
Level 4: Vision aligned with action. Purpose lived out daily.
Level 5: Embodied integrity. Your family doesn’t just hear the “why”—they see you living it with them.
Integration: Shifting Gears
Here’s the punchline—you’re not just one of these. You may lean Rock, Flame, Forge, or Compass, but great fathers don’t stay in one lane. They learn to shift.
Because here’s the truth: your kid doesn’t always need your default. Sometimes they need your steadiness (Rock). Sometimes they need your fire (Flame). Sometimes they need your structure (Forge). Sometimes they need your vision (Compass).
And this is where the Four Sides of Fatherhood come back in:
Rock → Provider
Flame → Connector
Forge → Protector
Compass → Leader
Each archetype naturally links with a role. But when you lean too heavy on one, the others weaken.
It also ties to the Four Sides of Self:
Rock → Body (presence and stability)
Flame → Heart (passion and energy)
Forge → Mind (discipline and structure)
Compass → Spirit (vision and purpose)
Integration is the real work. You don’t abandon your default—you learn when to shift. That’s how you stop being a one-gear dad and start becoming the kind of father your family can actually follow.
The truth is, these archetypes aren’t cages—they’re defaults. They’re the gears you fall into because of the blueprint you were handed, not the one you chose. Maybe your dad was a Rock who never spoke, or a Forge that burned too hot, or a Compass who dreamed but never showed up, or a Flame that flared out. But you don’t have to stay there. Balance is possible. You can rebuild your fatherhood, learn to shift into the side that’s needed in the moment, and hand your kids a different blueprint than the one you got. That’s exactly what the Be the Dad You Wish You Had program is about. In three months, you’ll find your balance, reclaim your role, and step into the kind of fatherhood that heals, rebuilds, and leads.